Today, I met some people I hadn’t seen in years. I didn’t ask them one question about how they’re doing – I just talked about myself, more or less. I can be really egoistic if I don’t know what to say. I also met a childhood friend (a female one – you English speakers really lack some words). I smiled at her once – from a distance. The two times we were close, I didn’t smile. I never smile at people. I don’t even greet them oftentimes.
Why? Because I’m afraid of my smile looking foolish and my voice sounding too meek. As an introvert, I’m seldom inclined to look for society. And as an ambitious person, I always find something work-related I can do. Today, that was asking myself how I can reach my 10-year goals in 10 months on the back of a sheet of music notes. One of those goals was increasing my social skills – conditioning myself to be friendly and talk to everyone instead of telling myself that reading two pages would be more useful.
To do so, I determined, I’ll have to go out and a) work on my social fears and b) work on my conversation skills. Every day, one hour each. Of course I can’t do it now. Actually, I’d very much like to never do it. But I won’t allow myself to run from my fears like that. I’ll work on it. Not two hours per day. But consciously, as much as I can.